I did more today and in general this week than I should. Too much exertion. Too much work.
My skin burns everywhere.
The world is shimmering. There’s a background flicker. Then there’s orange and yellow shimmery spots everywhere.
My ears are ringing in a very high pitch that nothing can block.
My tongue is weird. It’s poised for verbal tics. Poised in a highly unpleasant way. But there’s no words or noises. Just the threat of words or noises.
But there are words in my head. Or ideas, just before they get formed into words. They are flooding every which way.
My head is buzzing.
All the above things are connected together, part of the same whole.
So the words flicker and the flickering buzzes and the buzzing is orange and yellow and the orange and yellow are made of words and three words burn.
Please stop please stop please stop.
This is not me. This is me, lost. This is me, lost in the world of words. If it would only be quiet and still again I would be me.
This is the world I lived in made my own barged my way into no matter the pain, from the ages of approximately seven to twelve.
And then and then the words fell apart and everything was fragments and I was picking up the pieces.
But I was just that much closer to me?
At least now it is only minutes hours days instead of weeks months years.
I finally find it. .
I tell my mind to be silent, to stop telling itself stories, the lies we all tell ourselves about the world.
These things are not me.
They are outside me. Bombarding me. But the prickly burning ringing orange words are not me.
I tell them to leave.
They have no place in my mind. My home. My life.
My brain does not need to accept this world of words, let it worm its way into my head, tell me how to feel, how to live, how to be.
It’s an intrusion into my life. Not a thing to aspire to or identify with.
But I have deep roots in places no words can go. And those give me an immunity to the kind of words that exist only to delude and invade.
Those words can’t touch me. They can’t even see me.
If I reach down far enough I am made of clarity. I am made of joy. I am made of strength. I am made of love. I am made of silence.
That’s what matters.