Hoofbeats in your stethoscope

“When you hear hoofbeats,

Think horses, not zebras.”

That’s what the doctors say

They mean think of obvious diseases

Before the obscure ones

But my life has been a testament

To when this doesn’t work

So I have some lists

To guide doctors on their way

When you hear hoofbeats

The first thing you need to do

Is discern what country you are in

And what country your patient is in

As well as what country your patient is from

What country their parents are from

How far they have traveled

And where

So when you hear those hoofbeats

Galloping up your stethoscope

Here are some things to look out for:

Horses, cows, pigs, sheep, goats, donkeys, mules —

The farm animals and beasts of burden

Familiar to Western doctors

Llamas, alpacas, camels, dromedaries

Asses of all sorts

And not just horses’s asses —

Like some of you

Oxen, buffalo, tapir, rhinoceros

Yaks, wild hogs, deer, antelope

Peccary, chevrotain, and of course zebras…

Can I stop now?

Do you get the idea?

Do you know how many times

I’ve almost died

Due to doctors thinking

“It’s either horses or psychiatric”?

I have a list of non-horse medical diagnoses

Some rarer than others

All confirmed by rigorous testing

Performed by standard medical practitioners

And so does my whole family

So when you hear hoofbeats in your stethoscope

Think ungulates

Then try to figure out which ungulate it is

That is, after all, your job

And whether you find horses, zebras, or miniature deer,

You will save lives.